Grief

 

Tomorrow marks one year from the day this photo was taken. A day that has been ever present in my mind as it has slowly crept up. Our going away party. In two days we would pack up a U-haul and make the 2000 mile trip to Portland.

I wish I could say this year has flown by and that I can't believe it's been a year since we moved already. But I can't.

This year has been long. Long and hard and exciting and exhausting and awful and amazing all wrapped into one giant bundle with a crushed bow on top.

I honestly struggle to pinpoint what emotions I'm feeling looking at this picture and thinking about this day. I feel sadness knowing this amazing group of people will never be whole again. I feel happiness that we were able to share this moment and that Jennie made us take this picture. I feel relief knowing that I survived this year and am starting to heal a bit. I feel anger at life for taking what we planned to be a wonderful new adventure and turning it into the hardest year of my life so far.

In two months marks a year since Tyler died; a phone call and a moment I will never forget. A moment that would only be the first of several horrible moments to come. With every moment I would think to myself "Well at least it can't get any worse than this." Then once I was comfortable and starting to get over the last beating, BAM. Life kicks me right back down after I've barely gotten back up.

Ultimately, as emotionally exhausting this year has been, I'm thankful. The grief that I feel is only a symptom of the inevitable part of life that comes when you care about someone, and this photo is the perfect reminder that there are a lot of wonderful people in this world that I care about. Without these people I wouldn't have made it through this last year.

I have, without a doubt, the most amazing group of friends and family. They support me and love me through all my crazy decisions. They continue to help pick me up whenever I fall on my face. And this wonderful group continues to grow more and more with each day.

I'm so relieved this year is over. Hopefully year 2 in Portland will be significantly better. But if not, I'm so lucky and thankful to have so many wonderful people in my life.

I love you all (and miss you if you live far from us)

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