Moving Foward

Four years ago today I packed everything I owned (aside from the 2 boxes of memories at my parent's place) into 4 suitcases and moved from Sydney back home to Iowa. This got Austin and me talking about my time abroad and all of the wonderful memories I have from there. I can't help but be filled with happiness while remembering this crazy adventure of mine. Austin and I boarded the nostalgia train and continued the journey through memory lane, traveling back further and further in our lives.

As I got further back in my past though my feelings and thoughts shifted a bit. Many of you who know me are aware I've always struggled with my mental health, but very few know the true extent of it.

The moment I hit puberty my mental health began a quick decline. By my sophomore year of high school I was struggling with suicidal ideation. My anxiety and depression were so bad I had horrible insomnia and spent my nights in fear of the panic attacks I was experiencing almost every day of the week. To top it off I was struggling to cope with ADHD. I couldn't sleep and preferred to spend my nights playing Tetris or Farmville and texting any friend who was able to stay up late enough to keep me company. I wasn't doing well in school, I pushed away so many friends and treated them horribly. I was desperate for people to stay up with me because I was terrified of being alone with the thoughts in my head, so when the world inevitably got tired and needed to go to sleep I became verbally aggressive with friends and angrily accused them of not caring about me or my life. I lived in constant fear of my own thoughts. A fear I couldn't escape.

On December 23rd in 2008 I had the worst night of my life. I was 3 hours from home staying with my sister and her family.  Looking back what triggered these panic attacks is diminutive, but my mental illness was at it's worst. I felt more horrible than I've ever felt and I couldn't stop the suicidal thoughts from flooding in. The following morning I thought of my sister, brother-in-law and 1 year old nephew and the horror they would have woken up to if I had acted on my thoughts and harmed myself. They say hitting rock bottom can change your life for the better, and looking back I'm inclined to agree.

On Christmas Eve 2008 I started my journey to recovery. I immediately stopped taking the medication I was on for ADHD. I suspected it was causing my anxiety. This had an immediate impact, and while I now know it wasn't the cause, it was drastically amplifying my anxiety disorder. With the help and support of my parents I made several more changes in my life that further improved my mental health. I continued to struggle with insomnia and panic attacks but they were becoming less frequent and the  suicidal thoughts were gone. I started making some new friends and repaired some of the relationships I had nearly destroyed. I was only 16 so I'm not afraid to admit that I still did a lot of immature and dumb teenage things, but I'm really proud of the important decisions I made during such a confusing age.

In the 11 years since the worst day of my life I've traveled a pretty interesting road to happiness. I've been through several different forms of therapy. I even tried hypnotherapy, which isn't as gimmicky as it sounds. It wasn't in some hotel conference hall with some dude doing a presentation and hypnotizing people in front of a huge crowd. It was an otherwise normal (and private) counseling session but sometimes I was hypnotized. But I digress. I've tried several different medications often in tangent with counseling. I've moved to new places and tried to face my fears. I've challenged myself and of course have sometimes failed. I've met more amazing people than I ever could have imagined and received support from people I never expected. My time in Sydney was integral in my path to battling mental illness, and every moment of my life has helped to shape me into who I am, which I guess is true for everyone.

I consider myself successful in life so far. I'm a college graduate, woman engineer, biker, crocheter, outdoor enthusiast, traveler, animal lover, athlete... the list goes on and on.

But most importantly, above all things that I am, I'm happy.

Millions of people suffer from mental illness. I am incredibly thankful I was lucky enough to turn my life around as I did. It took hard work but the horrific reality is that hard work isn't always enough. Many others are not as fortunate as I have been, and there are still times in my life where I'm doing everything right but the anxiety still overpowers and takes control. Overall though, I'm happy and my anxiety and mental illness no longer dominate my life and I haven't had a single suicidal thought since I was 16.

I'm going to be cliche for a moment and use a quote.

“The Greek word for "return" is nostos. Algos means "suffering." So nostalgia is the suffering caused by an unappeased yearning to return.”
― Milan Kundera, Ignorance

I think he perfectly states why I'm not a fan of nostalgia. As I thought about the feelings all my memories invoke I realized that nostalgia isn't the right word to describe Austin and I's journey through memory lane. Nostalgia is when you long for a past time of your life and that's not what we were doing.

I fondly look back on all of my memories, even the bad ones, but I have no desire to return to any of it. I appreciate my past as a testament to how amazing my future can be. My 3 1/2 years in Sydney were incredible and I'm still young. I've had so many wonderful moments in my life so far and am confident I'll continue to create wonderful memories as I grow up.

Thank you to every person who has helped to support me in my life. Thank you to my band teacher who let me shelter in the band room when another teacher was bullying me. Thank you to my friends who stayed up until 3am many a school nights and tolerated my verbal abuse to make sure I wouldn't hurt myself. Thank you to one of my roommates who I barely hung out with, but she still knocked on my door and consoled me late one night when she heard me sobbing. Thank you to my ex who had the guts to call me out when I took my anxiety out on him, reminding me that it's no one's fault and they can't fix it for me. Thank you to my parents and sisters and all of my family members who have supported every decision I've made to move forward, even when those decisions cause me to move away from them. Thank you to my best friend who carefully reads every single wall of text I send her spewing my thoughts and emotions. Thank you to my fiancé for being my rock, for waking up in the middle of the night to calm me down through a minor panic attack, something that happens only a couple times a year now. Thank you to everyone I haven't met yet who will help me in my future moments of need.

I'll happily reminisce but nostalgia is overrated. All we can do is keep moving forward.

16 year old me several months after I started getting better.

Current me living my best life